think positive – Intuitive Balance Coaching

Open to Grace

In Yoga Teacher Training, we are taught that opening up to grace is an integral part of our practice. It’s that moment in a yoga class where your teacher is instructing you to settle into the space around you, let go of thoughts, worries and to-do lists that might be sabotaging your relaxation, and let yourself become present and aware so that you can receive your yoga practice. In a dimly lit studio, sprawled out on your mat, with no disturbances other than the gentle sound of you and your neighbors breathing, soft music playing in the background of your thoughts, this can be a relatively easy and safe space to do just that…to completely let go. After all, that’s why you are there in the first place, right? What happens, though, when you’re not on your mat? Opening to grace feels a lot more difficult to do when you are in the throes of your day to day activities, children arguing in the background, a pile of bills arriving in the mail, stacks of paperwork to get through at the office, a lawn to mow, and the mountain of laundry spilling out of your clothes hamper staring at you every time you enter your room. However, these are the times when opening to grace is absolutely the most important.

Grace is defined by dictionary.com as “simple elegance or refinement of movement”, but to me, it is so much more than that. It is a willingness to surrender to the truth that we are each going through exactly the things that will help us to become the best versions of ourselves, even (especially) in the moments where it feels completely the opposite. It is the ability to find strength in our struggles and to participate fully and completely in all aspects of our lives, good, bad, scary, exciting, or otherwise. It is the knowledge that our perception of what is happening in our lives is so much more important than the situations themselves, because the situations are impermanent. It is the power to stand strong through the storms, holding firm to the knowledge that calmer waters are ahead of us and that there is an important lesson for our soul within each and every moment. How amazing would it feel to bring the same peace, calm and quiet that you find on your mat, or out in nature, or in your bath (or whatever it is that you do to connect to this space) into the daily situations that are a natural part of life? Well, you can, which is pretty good news.

Take a minute to inventory what’s going on in your life that’s stressing you out or causing worry or fear. Write it all down. Read it back to yourself without any judgement. Instead, maybe you can find a little curiosity. What is your soul trying to help you to learn by these difficult situations? For most of us, our difficulties often become repeating patterns, causing us to feel like something is wrong with us or that we are just destined to always have this particular issue in our lives, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. These moments that challenge us are opportunities for us to get know ourselves better. For example, if you are somebody who is constantly struggling financially and worried about how to pay the bills, this might be your soul telling you that your job is not in alignment with what you really want. It may also be an indication that you have some limiting beliefs around money that need to be acknowledged and explored so that prosperous energy feels welcome to flow into your life. If you find yourself struggling with relationship after relationship, perhaps it is your soul trying to urge you to look in a different place, or to learn to love yourself first so that you can openly receive true love back. Maybe it is an indication that you subconsciously don’t feel worthy of love and so you are inadvertently pushing it away.

Remember, we attract the energy that we put out…like attracts like. Therefore, it’s not what we WISH we believed or what we WANT to believe, but the actual beliefs stored deep, down within us, that are shaping our realities. It can be scary to dig down and unearth them, but consider for a moment, a diamond. My dear friend and colleague, Amy Lombardo, put this in such great perspective for me. Diamonds are formed way down in the Earth’s mantle (about 100 miles deep), and start as chunks of coal. It takes a tremendous amount of heat and pressure to create this sparkly gem, but once the work has occurred, the diamond is pushed to the surface naturally for all to enjoy. Your thoughts are like these diamonds. YOU have that same sparkly gem deep within in you, just waiting to be exposed to the heat so that it can emerge and shine brightly out to the world. When you can accept that knowledge and open to grace, knowing that you have a deep well of untapped potential within you and the power to change your reality, the world opens back to you. Your sparkly gems are naturally pushed to the surface and the Universe responds by shining back.

Where in this very moment can you open yourself to grace? Where can you replace fear with curiosity, and hopefully learn something about yourself through the process? Start right now. The more that you practice this the easier it becomes. Opening to grace is not something that needs to be confined to your yoga mat. It is accessible in each and every moment to help you come back to center, find your calm and elevate yourself towards all of the possibility just waiting to be discovered within you!

If you need some help unearthing your spark, please visit my website HERE to learn more about transitional life coaching and my 12-week program, Ascend to New Heights.

Ripping Off the Band-aid

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Jim Morrison…you’ve got to love him. Not only was he excruciatingly gorgeous with a voice and stage presence that could melt the polar ice caps, but he said some pretty brilliant shit as well. We may never know if it was the many hits of acid speaking or if it really was his Indian spirit guide, but whatever the source of his words, they were undeniably insightful and still hold impact and validity today. How many times have you caught yourself gripped in the ruthless hands of fear?

We live in a society that is largely ruled by fear. From the time that we are born we are conditioned to be afraid of things. Some of it is necessary to our survival, such as not touching the stove or sticking a fork in the electrical socket, but many of the other things that we are taught to be afraid of can thwart our growth in so many ways. We are taught largely to listen to others which causes fear of our own inner voice. We are taught to follow the norms of society which can lead us to fear the decision to carve out our own authentic paths and follow our dreams. We are taught to compare ourselves to others, which births the fear of never being enough within ourselves. We are taught to fear being without material possessions, which causes feelings of greed within us. We are taught to fear the things/people/places which we do not fully understand, which can prevent us from educating ourselves about the different cultures, religions, races, sexual orientations and physical landscapes that surround us in this amazingly diverse world. In short, our fear begins to shape us from our initial breaths on this Earth and continues to shape shift as we experience the world. But what if we could change that? What if we could look closely at our fears…stare them straight in the face, stand up boldly and move bravely into them? What is the worst that would actually happen?

Take a moment to think back on all of the things you have been afraid of in your life and write them down. We’re going to use them in a minute. Yeah, I know, it’s a big list, right? When I think back on my fears what I notice is a progression. When I was in my early 20’s I had been through some terrible relationships (I mean like surrrrrrrrrrriously, abusively bad) and I swore I was done dating. Then I met Josh. I was terrified of him because I knew I really liked him. Then he asked me to marry him and I became afraid of that. What if it didn’t work out? Then we got married and decided to get pregnant…new biggest fear as my belly expanded and my whole world threatened to change. Eight and a half months pregnant, we found our first home, closing ten days prior to the birth of our son…#freakingout. Here comes Jacob…motherhood became the thing I feared the most because I had no idea how to do it. Then Josh lost his job. New mortgage, new baby, no job…does it get more terrifying? I swore we were doomed…until Josh decided to start his own business (which of course scared the crap out of us both as well). Suddenly, another baby was on the way. Jocelyn was born and I quit my job to stay at home with them…this became the scariest decision of my life, but I did it anyway. This progression continued on and on, presenting me with new fears along the way, until finally one day, I realized that it wasn’t the situations themselves that were terrifying me, but my reaction to them. I started to look back at this long laundry list of fear I had been carrying around with me and realized that as each new fear had arisen and I had moved through it, the fear for that particular event had dissipated and morphed into a new fear. It dawned on me that there will always be things to be afraid of, but it is up to me whether or not I let the fear have control. I have a choice in each situation to square up against my fear and challenge it, and so do you.

I am happy to report that moving through my personal fear has led me to a 10-year (this July) marriage to my best friend and the most amazing guy I know, 2 kick-ass little kids who challenge me to grow, expand and be a better person each day, a beautiful home that is my sanctuary, my husband and I each owning our own business and the fortitude to keep moving through fear as it shows up. That’s important to acknowledge by the way…I still get afraid. All the time actually. Life isn’t always sunshine and butterflies. My husband and I argue, my kids can act like little shits, my home needs repairs and our businesses fluctuate through good and bad times (and the bad times can be REALLY scary), but we keep on keeping on anyway, moving forward with the knowledge that this too shall pass and that we can look our fears in the face and move on anyway.

So where does fear show up for you? Go back to your list. If you didn’t write it, do it now. Take a close look at all of these places that fear has popped up in your life from as early as you can think of. First off, see if you notice any patterns. Are your fears largely based around one particular area? Money? Relationships? Your Career? Self-esteem? Now, notice any of these situations where you faced your fear and moved forward anyway? What was the outcome? If you haven’t had the opportunity to face any of these fears, guess what today is? That’s right, your opportunity. You don’t have to dive in headfirst, but think of a way that you can start to move into your fear slowly. If your fear is primarily surrounding relationships, maybe today is the day you finally make that online dating profile (don’t worry…you don’t have to go live until tomorrow). If your self-esteem is taking the hit, maybe today is the day to buy the dress you’ve always wanted, even though your head screams that you’re not feminine enough to pull it off. Tomorrow, rock it. Each day take baby steps to move into your fear. You will likely find that the further you go, the less powerful it becomes.

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What You See is What You Get: The Power of Your Perception

tent I lived in a tent for almost a year once up North. I was 19 years old and had just finished a trip cross-country with my then-boyfriend. We had grandiose visions of a 6-month trip to backpack across Europe and we carefully laid all of the plans. We would set up camp in an empty field on my friends property, spend the summer landscaping ridiculous hours, eat like college freshman and spend every penny we saved on backpacking gear, plane tickets, Eurorail passes and youth hostel reservations. It was fool-proof, right?

Everybody else seemed to think I was crazy. I’ll never forget the look on my poor mother’s face the first day she took the dirt road down my friends property line, swung a hard right into the field and pulled up outside of my new digs. I think she said something along the lines of, “Oh my God, you are kidding me, right?”. Her husband just kept shaking his head as we proudly showed him around, continually mumbling, “Wow” under his breath. My sister laughed her ass off at me and told me what a dipshit I was. Even my cat, Doja, tilted his head disapprovingly when I showed him the perch we built in a nearby tree to keep his food away from the coyotes. He gave me that look implying I must be fucking joking. Had it really come to this? Not that I could actually blame any of them…this wasn’t exactly the first in my long line of questionable decisions, but I wouldn’t be deterred.

I worked my ass off that summer, digging trenches and pits, planting trees, grading properties, spreading mulch and rocks, mowing and trimming trees. Bruises bloomed all over my body with the physical labor and my muscles ached like nothing I have felt before or since. I still have a giant scar on my left thigh from the damned hedge trimmers! The boys called them rat bites, and I imagine the feeling was quite similar. Still, we would go back to the tent each night, full on fast-food, exhausted and sun-drenched, but ready to face the next day with nothing but our end goal in sight. Nothing could slow me down.

While everybody else saw a shitty little tent, boyfriend and I saw freedom and opportunity. I saw myself getting closer and closer to pursuing a dream that I was determined to make happen. I was able to overlook the lack of amenities, running water and hot food. I was able to find some comfort in taking my showers at the landscaping office loft in a rickety stand alone stall while my fellow co-workers milled around below. I was able to smile confidently when others scoffed at what I was doing, because I saw it so differently. It didn’t matter what anybody thought of me…I was following my dreams.

Fast-forward to September 11, 2001. Ring a bell? That’s right…the day the Twin Towers went down. We had been tent-dwelling for 7 months by this point and our departure date was fast approaching. The reality of the news broadcasts hit me like a ton of bricks. Everywhere I turned were warnings that Americans should not travel abroad…that it was not safe. I remained undeterred, still completely convinced that this was my fate, but I was soon to learn that she (fate, that is) is a tricky little Diva. For whatever reason, boyfriend and I had purchased our plane tickets at different times. As we sat down by the light of a kerosene lamp in our teeny little tent, unpacking and repacking our backpacks for practice, something rather important came to our attention. We realized suddenly, that unbeknownst to either of us, we had booked our tickets 10 days apart. I was beside myself pissed! How could this have happened? October 01 was just weeks away and, instead of getting on a plane to skip off to London for an adventure, I would have to spend another 10 days milling around Cape Cod while a gray, dismal Autumn set upon it. Boyfriend urged me to stay positive and promised to meet me back in London the day my flight came in. He left a few weeks later, leaving me and my tent and the gray weather some time to think.

During this time of introspection, a few things became clear to me. The first was that lots of people had some pretty valid reasons why they didn’t want me to take this trip. I was urged not to go by every childhood friend I’d ever had, my parents, my sister and countless others, which of course, only made me want to go more. Then one night, I had a random conversation with a stranger, and for whatever reason, his words resonated and I had a moment of realization that indeed, this was not my trip. It was boyfriends trip and I was just along for the ride, living somebody else’s dream. This knowledge was further compounded when 2 days later, 3 days before my flight was set to depart, I received notification from boyfriend that he had missed his flight back to London and would not, indeed, be able to pick me up at the airport. I would have to meet him in Amsterdam. I clenched my teeth and painstakingly made the decision to cancel my trip.

All of a sudden the tent morphed into something sinister right before my eyes. All of the long summer nights spent sweating my butt off within its walls, sharing a single mattress with a man that moved too much in his sleep, the relentless sweeping and sweeping and sweeping to try to get nature back on the outside of the tent…I resented it all. I hated the musty odor, the way I had worked myself to the bone every day doing physical labor and the fact that I had not a penny to show for it, spent as it had been on this trip. And now, it was getting colder and rainier outside every day and I was sitting here alone…cold, tired, aggravated and feeling like a failure, stewing in all of this anger, while boyfriend flitted across Europe with my portable cutlery set. My perception of the situation transformed as my relationship to it did. Suddenly, I saw no hopes and dreams manifesting, but a waste of 8 months of my life instead.

I share this story for two reasons. Number one, because it was a pretty interesting time in my life and it’s always a funny story to share. Number two, hindsight being 20/20 like it is, I have come to find so much value in this experience and I have realized how greatly it has helped to shape the woman I have become…particularly my rather warped sense of humor (tee hee). Most importantly, it has really helped me to realize how much our perception influences our emotions and life situations. When we can stare a difficult situation in the face and find a silver lining, we are giving ourselves an opportunity to create possibility for something positive. In coaching, this is called a turnaround. Alternately, if we get so entrenched in the negative aspects of a situation, we are allowing ourselves to fall prey to its perceived power over us. In coaching, we call this a limiting belief, holding us back from the greater possibility that lies within the lesson. In the story above, my relationship to the greater goal helped me drive myself forward and look beyond the hardships of the situation, however when that goal was removed, it was easy to let myself slip into dismal territory.

This happens so often. Maybe all of a sudden the job you prepared for, interviewed for and were hired for, loses its luster 5 years down the road. Perhaps its a relationship you are in or a way of thinking that has become engrained. Possibly its a habit you deem bad. Your wants and needs have changed and whatever you are doing, isn’t growing with you. Do you sit back and stay where you are, knowing that perhaps its “easier” or it’s what’s expected of you, even though your relationship to the situation has changed, or do you see that you are being offered an opportunity to change? Do you get lost in the routine and monotony, or do you find the silver lining? What have you learned from this place which has provided tools for you moving forward?

So where are you holding yourself back? Where are you perceiving the people, circumstances and situations that make up your life in a negative light? Where are you getting stuck? Name all of those things, and then spend some time searching for the possibility. What have you learned from these perceived trials? What might they potentially blossom into for you if you could try to see them in a more positive frame? How have these things helped to motivate and inspire the current you? How have they showed you who you are and what you want from life?

Each of us holds the key to our own happiness. The pen is in your hand, so write the story that you want to live. If what you’ve written so far isn’t making you feel happy or excited, crumple up the paper and start over again. Change your perception and change the whole game. You are the only one who can decide whether to see it as a tent or the Taj Mahal.

Note: The above picture is not of my camp sight, but it definitely gives the basic idea.

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The Power of Active Listening

How many times have you had the same conversation over and over and over again? There’s that one person who constantly feels the need to tell you their story, their hardships, their accomplishments, or what they said to the Comcast guy when he was late for their appointment….even though you have heard this story SO MANY TIMES! Whether it be with your spouse, children, coworkers, bosses, or maybe the guy at the gas station, we often find ourselves stuck in these cycles of endless conversation. It’s easy in these situations to get frustrated and cast our aggravations on the other person. We ask things like, “Why don’t they get it? We keep having this conversation!”, or “How many times is he going to tell me this? He’s like a broken record!” Think about one of those situations in your own life. Get a clear picture of it in your head. Imagine the words being spoken, see the other persons face. Start to feel the reaction in your body. Is your jaw clenching? Maybe your shoulders are beginning to creep up towards your ears? Are you crossing your arms? Do you feel tired, bored, or drained?

Now, let’s switch gears for a minute. Think of a time when YOU have been the one feeling like you have to say the same thing over and over again. Maybe it’s reminding your kids to put their clothes in the hamper, nagging your spouse to help around the house without being asked, telling the story of that time you scored the game-winning touchdown…..in high school…..25 years ago. Yep…we ALL do it. Now try to pay attention to where it may be coming from. Dig deep here. Why do you tell this story? How does it make you feel? What’s your role in the story? Are you the victim, hero, martyr? What is it that makes you constantly go here? Likely, you will come to the conclusion that, no matter how many times you are repeating yourself, you don’t feel as if you are being heard, appreciated or validated in whatever it is you are trying to express.

There is a big difference between listening and ACTIVELY listening. We live in an age where it is not only easy, but NORMAL, to be bombarded by distractions everywhere we turn. The smartphone pings one of several tones…you race to discover if it was an email, text, Facebook, Instagram, or voicemail notification. (Actually, it was WordPress letting you know I just posted another RADICAL blog post, but I digress). The point is, there are so many reasons NOT to focus on the person right in front of us, that why would we feel like we are being heard? The sad thing here is that, as a society, we are losing focus on how important communication is, and in losing this focus, we are beginning to lack understanding of just how powerful listening can be.

When we create a space where someone feels truly listened to, the possibilities are endless. When we hold a place for honest expression, stories begin to lose importance, because they no longer define the person telling them. The story teller no longer feels the need to identify so strongly with these memories, habits, or routines which may have been holding them back. Feeling truly heard, we are able to move on to better stories. Imagine this…think back on a conflict in your life where you felt like your voice was not being heard. Maybe you are fighting with your significant other, and it feels as though everything you say is being turned around. Finally, you bow out of the conversation defeated, realizing that you are getting nowhere. You feel a sense of hopelessness, perhaps some anxiety and frustration. You call a friend, or your mom, or you sit down next to your dog, and they LISTEN! THEY TRULY LISTEN! Like, let you have the floor, freak the BEEP out, say everything and anything you need to say without interjecting, forming opinions, or offering unsolicited advice, cry, scream, punch a pillow…whatever it is, without judgment. How do you feel? A rush of relief? A little silly for getting so heated? Validation? Whatever you are feeling, I can almost guarantee you when your significant other walks back into the room, the thing you were discussing so feverishly will have lost a lot of importance, because you no longer feel that burning desire to be heard.

Sometimes we just need to be heard, without being labeled as right or wrong. It’s that simple.

I’m not suggesting that we need to enable our friends and loved ones who are stuck in these patterns, but am merely offering that perhaps if you truly listen to what they are saying, you might hear something entirely different underneath. Are there those who are married to their stories? Unfortunately yes, there are, but you don’t have to engage with those people. However, if you are experiencing these cycles with people you love, than chances are there is just something not being said, or something not being heard. Listen up, and you may be surprised at what you find. The coolest part about this, is the more that we begin to incorporate it in our lives, the less we will find ourselves caught in these cyclical conversations, because people will feel as though we heard them the first time.

So, how can you bring this into your life? Take the next 24 hours and observe your habits in conversation. Notice if you are fidgeting, thinking about other things, fixated on an ant climbing up the wall behind the other persons head (I know…I’ve done it too). Are you able to make eye contact? Can you keep your thoughts directed on what the other person is saying? Just observe yourself without judgement and begin to acknowledge how you might incorporate more positive interaction with those around you, and make THAT your practice for the following 24 hours. Make a diligent effort to be a better listener and see what happens. Take notes…write down any differences you notice in how others interact with you. Share your results in the comments section below. I’m excited to see if anything changes for you.

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Find Joy in the Little Things

I woke up early this morning….really, really, really early, and for some reason I just could not go back to sleep. Typically this would annoy me, but I paused for a moment and listened into the sound of absolute silence throughout my house. I took a breath, threw back the covers, and decided to shift my mental state and take advantage of this rare moment where my house was actually calm and quiet. I tiptoed out to the living room, quietly closing bedroom doors as I passed, snuggled up on the couch under a blanket, and took some time to journal and read. By the time my daughter (pictured above in her own beautiful expression of pure joy as she played on a beach in Maine) finally came out with the breaking of the morning sun, I was feeling completely relaxed and ready to start the day.

This is what finding joy in the little things means to me. All it takes is that split second decision to change our mindset and choose to find a positive in whatever annoyance, boring task, challenge, unexpected situation, or unwelcome person shows up in our lives. Do you know what I found? As my morning progresses, I have been able to find joy in all sorts of other little things without even having to try, because making the decision to start the day off that way has set the tone and intention for the rest of it. I found myself willing to sit an extra ten minutes this morning snuggling with my kids and asking them how their sleep was, as opposed to jumping up and rushing around. I found myself watching their sweet, sleepy expressions more closely as they described to me the contents of their dreams. I found myself giggling uncontrollably as my giant dogs tore out into the yard, exhilarated that the air was actually COOL this morning (always a big shocker when you live in Florida and are recovering from another brutally hot summer). At the grocery store, I was so happy with every item I put in my cart, realizing how lucky I am to be able to provide my family with nourishing food. I felt amazingly accomplished walking back into the house, laden down with grocery bags, knowing that the rest of the day is open to so many brilliant possibilities. And even now, I find myself thankful for the opportunity to share these experiences with you…and I also find myself eager to post this so I can see where else I might find joy today.

Buddha said, “Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so let us all be thankful.” If we could all live by these words, how different our society would be! If we were able to fill up on hope, possibility, curiosity, thankfulness, and little joys, even in the face of adversity…fear and hatred would be eliminated. We don’t have to force others to feel this way, but we do have an obligation as part of our human family, to start with ourselves and begin to pay attention to where we are putting our energy. Where could you start today to see joy in the mundane, the aggravation, or the challenge? It’s still early in the day…press the reset button if you need to and start living from that place now. Happy Sunday!

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Tag: think positive